


Double Dealings

by mandaree1



Series: Teen!Delinquent AU [11]
Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Betting, Dipper and Mabel are opportunistic dealers, Humor, They really don't care
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-22
Updated: 2017-10-12
Packaged: 2018-09-26 05:11:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9864332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mandaree1/pseuds/mandaree1
Summary: The gnomes and the Manotaurs are threatening battle in an effort to decide which species is better. Dipper and Mabel are prepared to profit off this.





	1. Chapter 1

It's three in the morning when Dipper's gnome emblem begins to chime a particularly insistent tone, reminiscent of if an elevator music soundtrack and a wind chime had a baby and it was cranky.

" _Dipper_." Mabel moans into her pillow. " _Shut it off_."

"It's _your_ phone."

"I don't _have_ a phone."

"Bull."

The chiming grew louder.

"Dipper. Ursa Major. My main bro. Do it or I'll kill you."

Dipper rolls away from the sound, back facing her. "Sorry, sis, but my legs don't switch on 'till at _least_ seven. Government issued law."

The ringing eventually tapered off. Mabel sighed and began to roll over when the chiming started up again. Her voice grew sharp. "Mason _Stanley_ Pines!"

"Don't call me that! The neighbors could hear."

"I will scream it to the entire town if you don't get off your butt and answer it. They'll hear me, too- we all know I'm a soprano."

"On second thought, nothing could ever beat Gabe Bensen, so..."

Mabel sits up, rifles around, and chucks a lacy bra at him. Dipper lets out a scream and falls to the floor as if wounded.

"Wait a second." Dipper's head pops up, the offending object held at the strap by a pen. "You don't wear this kind of thing. Unless you do. I don't exactly ask for bra updates."

"I bought it to throw at you."

"Crafty."

"Answer the stupid gnome hat, Dipper."

"Alright, alright."

Dipper clumsily got to his feet. Their bedroom had been completed a week ago, so they weren't sleeping in the tool shed anymore. There was no paint as of yet, giving it a woody, unfinished look. The floor was littered with stuffed animals, glitter, and dirty clothes. His special adventure backpack was seated beside their shared desk. The thin notebook left open on it was covered in sticky notes and marker residue.

Dipper grabbed the hoodie he'd worn three days ago, retrieving the leather necklace from within. It shivered and shook in his hand. "How do I even... there we go." The noise stopped once he poked it in the middle. Dipper awkwardly held it to his ear. "Yellow? No, Jeff, that's _not_ a sign that I'm in that Bill Cipher cult which does not exist. Secret codes? Dude, it's not even sun-up yet. Can't this wait?"

Mabel tuned out the ensuing conversation, drifting in and out but unable to fall fully asleep. She's thankful Waddles is napping on the couch- he, at least, would get to have happy pig-dreams.

Her brother says a mild goodbye and chucks the necklace into a pile of briefs. "That was a waste of time I'll never get back."

"Dipper, shut up, before I tell Robbie your birth name."

"Don't nark on me quite yet, Lady Mabes." He replied, sitting heavily on the very edge of her bed. "There's money to be made out of this."

Her eye cracked open. "Moola?"

"Green." He agreed breezily. "The gnomes have issued a challenge to the Manotaurs. Something about deciding who the stronger magical monster is? Whatever. Jeff is asking me to officiate the battle; like ya' do."

"Ballsy. Not seeing the cash here, though."

"Oh, I'd say that's fairly obvious. Folks around here would _love_ to bet on a tussle like this, and, if we should, say, fudge the odds in our favor... I'd say it'd be in our right after such a rude awakening."

Mabel considers it. Then she sits up. "Dip-Dop, you're a genius."

Dipper's smile is all teeth. "How against the idea of becoming a Manotaur are you?"


	2. Chapter 2

Jeff the gnome gestures to a harshly beaten path, complete with sharp thorns and stones. Gnomes are skittering into the trees around the path, presumably to keep their soft hands safe from the rougher interior. "This is it. One of the most used paths to the Manotaur cave."

Dipper gifts the leader an awkward grin. "Thanks, man. This is exactly what I needed."

"Sure, sure, whatever." He waved it off. "See if you can get something juicy, alright? Secret weaknesses, maybe a diary or somethin'. See if we can burn their food supply."

"We're having _one_ fistfight, Jeff. They're still technically our allies."

"The gnomes don't mess around, boy. They dare to threaten us, then they dare to face our wrath!" Jeff clenched his shaking fists, smiting the forbidding wood before turning back to him. "So, uh, little side note? Why is your sister here?"

Mabel stalked up to the duo with a baseball slung across her shoulders. Clad in a white sleeveless t-shirt, brown shorts, neon rainbow shoes with black shoelaces, and a nice pair of sunglasses, she blew a bubble with her gum and lowered her shades to examine the gnome. "Is there a problem here, Jeffy?"

Jeff looked less than impressed. "Uh, yeah. This is a gnome problem. Not a gnome-plus-sibling problem."

"And here I thought you loved me."

"I'm happily married," he rebuffed calmly. "Joke's on you, sister. You missed out an _all these goods._ "

"It's moments like these that make me want to believe in a god." Mabel observed. "So I can thank them."

"Boy," Jeff said. "Make her leave."

Dipper swung an arm around her shoulders smugly. "Sorry, boss. Where I go, Mabel goes."

"Ugh. Fine. Just keep her away from me." Jeff dismissed his supposed sentimentality with a frustrated grunt. Mabel smiles at him.

A solitary gnome emerges from the bushes, awkwardly sidling up to them. "I'm here, sir."

Jeff perked up at that. "Righto. Pines, this is Gregory. We call 'em Gregory the Gremlin. Isn't that right, Gregory?"

"Yes, sir."

Jeff motioned for Dipper to lean over, then whispered in his ear. "He's the kind you were looking for. No friends, no family; no one cares if he has an 'accident.'"

"Good." Dipper nodded and stood. "Alright, that's all we needed. You can head back home now."

He snapped his fingers at the teenager, slowly shuffling backwards. "I'm expecting results, Pines. Don't let me down."

They all watched him leave without comment.

"Seriously," Mabel interjected, after a moment of awkward silence. "How did he convince anyone to marry him?"

"I'd like to think it was all of us, ma'am." Gregory the Gremlin politely clasped his tiny hands together.

Mabel considered this a moment, shrugged, swallowed her gum, and squatted. "So, Greg- can I call you Greg?"

"Sure, ma'am."

"Good. Here's the plan, Greg. Those gnomes in the trees are gonna piss the utter crap outta those Manotaurs, sending one or more stampeding this direction. When he gets here, he's gonna find me- Mabel- with a bag of jerky and a baseball bat, punting _you_ across the clearing. He'll be so impressed by my toughness I'll get a one-way ticket straight to their Man Cave. Got it?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"You're not gonna chicken out on me, are you, Greg?"

"No, ma'am. I'm gettin' paid in caterpillars for this."

"Don't know what that means; don't want to know." She concluded, straightening. "We ready, Dip-Dop?"

Dipper politely handed her the bat, which she'd given him to better maneuver. "As we'll ever be."

"Good. Let's blow their tiny _minds_." She cheered, then plucked Dipper's hat right off his head. "That'll complete the tomboy stereotype perfectly, thank you."

"You sure you want that one, Lady Mabes? It's got my smell juices all over it."

"So does everything I'm wearing. We share a _room_ , Dipper. There's no escaping it." She tipped the brow like a nice guy wearing a fedora. "Besides, I don't wanna hide my Pines-ness from them. That'll just ruin the challenge. You ready to go, Greglin?"

Gregory nodded, swallowing. "Yes, ma'am."

"This better work," Dipper warned them, though there was nothing serious in his tone. "Or I'm fired."

* * *

"A GIRL!?"

The Man Cave seemed to shake with the veracity of Leaderaur's roar, along with the gathered Manotaurs, each watching with silent terror as their leader raged. Beardy the Manotaur cowered before his manly might, sweating profusely.

"YOU BROUGHT A _GIRL_ TO OUR HALLOWED CAVE OF MANLINESS!?"

"I'm sorry, Leaderaur," he almost whimpered. Almost. "I don't know what came over me! She just looked so- so... _cool_."

The Manotaur's eyes narrowed. He bluntly examined Mabel, who lounged carelessly against Pituitaur's side, checking her nails. The sleeveless shirt gave her tattoos perfect visibility, and her many piercings glittered as though freshly shone.

"This is true," he observed. "She _is_ very cool."

"Thanks, big guy." She shot him a finger gun with her free hand, clicking her tongue.

"Why are you here?" The Manotaur bent down to blow hot air on her. "This is no place for a human girl."

"Me?" She returned, voice layered with honey. "Why, I'm here to help, of course!"

" _Help_?" Leaderaur said the word like he'd never heard of it before.

"Duh, my man. My idiot bro is thinkin' his bearded little goons can take you big dudes. And I was like, pschaw, bro, you ain't bein' real 'bout this. So here I am! Tryin' to prove him wrong."

"Gnomes? Brother?" Pubertaur's nostrils flared. "You're a Pines, aren't you?"

Mabel raised a single eyebrow.

Leaderaur pulled away, booming. "NO PINES ALLOWED! DISPOSE OF HER!"

"Aw, don't be like that, dudebro. My _bro_ -bro wrecked our reputation with the Manotaurs as a lil' baby- I wanna be the one to fix that." She lowered her voice, like she was disposing of a valuable secret. "He's such a friggin' _nerd._ Did you know his name is _Mason_? Dipper was the only name he could choose that would get him a break from the masonry jokes, yo."

Mabel heard a 'snrk' from somewhere in crowd. A quick glance told her it most likely came from Clark, who covered his mouth.

"Really?" Leaderaur asked dubiously.

"Really," Mabel said breezily, like the promise meant nothing to her.

"Hmmm..." The bull-man lounged back in his bone throne. "We will give you a try; a sign of our manly forgiveness! But only if you pass the test, Pines twin number two."

Immediately, the Manotaurs began to whoop and cheer, chanting: "Pain Hole! Pain Hole! Pain Hole!"

"Bring it on." Mabel shrugged, swinging around to hit Chutzpar's arm when he came too close for her liking. "Let's see how it likes the taste of a bat."

It is on this day, or so they say, that the Pain Hole was finally tamed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'Bout time I swung around for Chapter 2! Next will either be the reveal of Her Majesty (finally), or maybe a party. Not sure quite yet. Eh.


	3. Chapter 3

Mabel woke up from a hard night partying as happily as a corpse wakes from the dead. Her face was sticky from chowing down on sickly sweet snacks she didn't know the name of. Flashes of memory stood out- beating Pubertaur in a drinking match, losing an arm wrestling match with Clark, fighting Clark to the death in retaliation, only for them both to eventually laugh it off.

There's also the tattoo. Honestly, that doesn't seem as important as the drink-off.

"Eyyy, girl Pines." A well-muscled hand pushed her shoulder. "You're up."

"I'm up," she agreed, "call me girl Pines again and you'll regret it. I'm Lady Mabes. How you doin', Beardy?"

Beardy gave a sleepy thumbs up. "S'all right, Lady Mabes. How's your neck doing?"

"Delightfully colorful and not sore, oddly enough." She felt around the area. "Is this some sorta magical painless tattooing ink?"

"Eeyup."

"Dude, I need the recipe. This could yield so many possibilities."

"You gotta be a level five Dude Wizard to wield such powers, dude," Clark groaned. He was using a tree stump as a pillow. "That's a  _lot_  of manly."

Mabel hummed, retrieving a rainbow shoe that had fallen off at some point during the festivities. "Somehow, I think I've got enough chutzpah to beat my way into the Dude Wizard ranks."

"Huh?"

"No, not you, Chutzpar. I'm threatening to beat the snot out of anyone who stops me from becoming a Dude Wizard."

"Oh, okay."

"GIRL PINES."

Mabel sighed and straightened, black laces only half-tied. "I don't like repeating myself, big guy. I'm  _Lady Mabes_. Get it right."

"Er, sorry." Leaderaur coughed into his fist. "I don't think very well this early in the morning."

"Nobody does. Trust me."

"LADY MABES," he roared, shaking the trees. "YOU HAVE PASSED OUR TEST OF MANLINESS, AS WELL AS SUCCEEDED IN BEING PROPERLY AMUSING DURING THE AFTER PARTY. FOR THAT, YOU WILL BE MADE AN HONORARY MANOTAUR."

"Goody."

The Manotaurs weakly cheered. They were all in various stages of dishevelment. "Man! Man! Man! Man!"

" _Wo_ man," she corrected. "I'm mostly estrogen, ya'll. And, like, I know  _you_  know that, but I'm reminding you just in case. I  _like_  bein' a girl- we bleed every month." She grimaced. "Okay, that part sucks, but it's awesome to  _say_ , y'know?  _I bleed every month_. It sounds like I get stabbed on the regular or something."

"That  _is_  truly amazing," Pituitaur said, nodding sagely. "I bled from below the belt, a long time ago. That was enough."

"Heck yeah, dude." She held out a fist. The Manotaur bumped it. "Anyway, I gotta get back before my bro-bro gets all concerned. Don't want to spoil the surprise, after all."

Leaderaur's eyes narrowed. "Tell him nothing, Lady Mabes."

She saluted. "Can do, big fella."

* * *

Mabel called Dipper as soon as she was within cell range of Gravity Falls, kicking up stones as she went. The younger teenager hadn't been all that worried about her disappearance, assuming she would be safe, surrounded by large bodies of muscles and fur. "They're not bright," he said, "but they're not  _bad_ , or anything."

"Well, I'm officially one of them now, so I guess I'm none too bright either."

Dipper snorted. "So are you, like, Mabeltaur now, or..."

"Dipper, I'm surprised at you. Did you really think I'd allow that nonsense?" She shook her head. "I'm Lady Mabes of Estrogenville. Get it right."

"Well,  _Lady Mabes of Estrogenville_ , what have you got?"

"Not much, honestly. They've got no real plan. Then again, that's good for us. It makes it easy to knock our odds."

"Nice, nice."

"Now we just need to get those bets started. Any bright ideas, Dip?"

Dipper lounged back in his chair, kicking his feet up on the coffee table. "I say we join the night crowd. Blend in. Party hard. Maybe spike the ginger ale."

"As long as it's not tree sap, I'm down." Mabel reached up to rub at her throat. "By the way, I got a tattoo."

"Excuse me?"

"What can I say? You're, like, ninety percent of my impulse control."

"Fair enough. How far out are you?"

"Not far," she dismissed. "I'mma get some breakfast. We can plot after."

Mabel isn't typically prone to reacting well to surprises, but you wouldn't know it by the large grin that splits her face when a deep voice screeches her name at an inhuman decibel. She brings herself to a stop and waits for Grenda to approach, not expecting the hug she receives but not  _not_ expecting, either. "My peeps! My people! My ladies from another m'lady! Wassup?"

"You," Candy informs her crisply, wrapping her arms around her as best she could, which amounted to awkwardly holding onto her hip. "You are up. In the air. Flying Mabel."

" _Flabel_ ," she whispered menacingly.

"That can be your evolution name."

Mabel snorted. "I'm a Pokemon now? I dig that idea. Gimme all them moves and Reviver Seeds, chumps."

Grenda set her down with a little humph. "I missed you so much!"

"Same, dude!" She buried her nose in the crook of Grenda's shoulder- as always, the girl was taller and buffer than an oak. Mabel was no tiny thing herself, and neither was Wendy, but Grenda could probably bench press them both. There's a reason she was such a successful wrestler before she retired. "Oh, right. I, uh, I heard about the husband. That sucks. I'm not good at computing, like, emotions into words, but I'm honestly sorry for your loss."

"Marius is in a better place. I hope." She shrugged. It was a controlled, practiced gesture. "I'm not, like, an expert on God and Heaven or anything."

Candy stood on her tiptoes in hopes of patting Grenda's shoulder, only managing to get her upper arm. "He is no longer in pain. That is what we must focus on."

"Well, I've gone and made everything serious, haven't I?" Mabel shuffled her feet. "Sorry again. You probably get the awkward grief silence a lot. You up for breaky? I can't pay, but I  _can_  keep you company."

"I will pay," Candy assured them, grabbing a hand each. "I have green to burn."

* * *

Lazy Susan chortles as they all settle in, Mabel on one side, Candy and Grenda on the other, ruffling Mabel's short hair with a hand covered in grease. "Don't say a word, ladies. I know what you like."

"Thank you, miss," Candy says.

"You're the best!" Grenda adds, slamming her fists down on the table. The salt shaker fell over, taking out its brother in pepper.

Mabel makes finger guns at her as she passes, clicking her tongue. "You gotta give me your eyeliner secrets, Susan. You are on  _point_  today."

"Awwww," she cooed, putting a hand to her chin. She shook her head at her. "I'm not giving you free pancakes."

She shrugged. "It was worth a shot. I'm not joking, though! I'm  _terrible_  at makeup."

"That's what Dipper is for," Grenda informed her. "That boy has got the steadiest hand I've ever seen."

"This is true." Mabel put her index fingers to her lips. "Though I feel some level of concern that you've seen said steady hand."

"You've seen it too, Mabel."

"That's different. I'm his sister. His  _twin_  sister, I might add. There are no secrets between us. Are there secrets at this table right now, Grenda?"

She winked. "You don't know everything about me."

"I'd like to change the topic before this takes a vicious step in a direction I don't want to go before noon." Candy leaned back in her seat, politely keeping her elbows off the table. Neither of her comrades showed such concern for the state of Lazy Susan's tables. "I  _love_  the artwork! Those colors- that's the aromantic flag, is it not?"

"Got me in one, yo." Mabel made a return of the finger guns, this time  _without_  clicking. "The green and gray probably tipped it off, huh." She flexed her arms. "Take a look at these cool dudes. Hurt a heckuva lot more than the throat one, lemme tell you."

"That sounds illogical."

"It  _sounds_  like weird magic plot holes." Mabel stroked the edges of the darker green stripe, which bent down in a rectangular fashion to pool at the collarbone. There were patches of skin between each stripe, and no real stop or start. It just dipped down. Or, if you're a chest up kind of person, it flowed up and around the sides of her throat. Whichever. "There's an elephant in the room, ladies, and it's not my sexuality."

Candy's smile fell. "Uh-oh. What is it?"

The brunette glared at her hand suspiciously. "I know that ring. That ring almost got forced on me when I was twelve." She reached out to touch said hand. "Do I need to rough a coupla gnomes up for you, Candy?"

"Oh, that." She sounded relieved. "Not at all. I'm quite happy as I am."

Grenda gasped, grabbed Candy's shoulders, and started to shake them. "You're royalty now! I'm royalty now! We're  _all_  royalty now!"

Mabel laughed but didn't correct her. Her face turned serious. "This was all consensual marriage stuff, right? Because I'm more than willing to snap Jeff's ugly neck for you, dude."

Candy chuckled. "I appreciate your kindness, but I can snap my own necks."

The teenager settled at that, humming a quiet little tune. "I can't believe you married Jeff of all gnomes."

"Technically," she replied. "I married all of them."

"He tried to force me to marry him. It was super gross."

"I have outlawed that for all eternity," Candy informed her, pointing a finger upwards. "Anyone who attempts to force romance will be judged very harshly. With fire."

"Will it be fun fire, the fire of fun?"

"No. Absolutely not. It will be painful fire, the fire of pain."

"I approve of this."

"I thought you might."

"PANCAKES!" Grenda shouted, jarring them both. Lazy Susan set their plates down a quick wink before meandering off to help that guy who was always crying over America. Mabel didn't know his name. Mabel didn't think anyone knew his name. He just loved America a whole lot. "I'M GONNA STUFF MY FACE!"

"Eat up! It's on the house." Candy picked up her fork, eyeing Mabel as she did the same. "Magic tattoos, huh? That is Manotaur stuff, right?."

Mabel forced her shoulders to stay loose, chewing a mouthful of scrambling eggs. She swallowed. "Eeyup. I'm Lady Mabes of Estrogenville now."

"Is this one of you and your brother's games?"

"Yes. Definitely. Absolutely."

"Mabel," she said, sounding like a disappointed parent. "Don't."

"It's too late now. The scheme has been set in motion."

"You're scheming against my husbands and wives," she pointed out sensibly.

"Your husbands and wives tried to  _make_  me their wife. I think I have the right to be salty towards them."

Candy sighed but didn't argue. "You are going to crash and burn."

Mabel shrugged, eyes glittering. "Then I'll burn. And it'll be fun fire, the fire of fun."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey howdy ya'll it's been a while huh? I am planning on finishing this, I promise; I've just been a bit lazy. =)
> 
> The truth is out! All hail Queen Candy! She's made a bunch of laws to help the gnomes shape up, from 'no kidnapping' to 'you must court a lady properly, without hiding', etc etc.
> 
> -Mandaree1


	4. Chapter 4

Mabel snuck one of Dipper's suits out from his closet to wear for the party, but eventually defaulted to a lime green sundress after spilling some food on the- well, on the everything, to be perfectly blunt. The only other suit, as it turned out, ended up being far too tight for proper party wear, so the teen ended up using his dress pants, a black t-shirt, and a red tie in hopes of even somewhat making up for it. The irony of it- of both of them being in formal wear, yet somehow still managing for both sets of tattoos to be sticking out, which is what you usually hope to  _cover up_  with formal wear- was not lost on them. Dipper added the finishing touches of her makeup, specifically the eyeliner, and they were off.

Wendy was reading a magazine when they started out the door, but she stopped long enough to tilt head back to look at them. "So, like, since I'm supposed to be all adult and stuff, should I go with? And be, I dunno, like a chaperone or something?"

"Nah, it's fine, Wendy," said Dipper, who was fiddling with his tie. "It's a work thing."

"That is the exact  _opposite_  of comforting."

Mabel made finger guns, clicking her tongue. She tended to do that a lot when she was trying to convince someone of something- Wendy, Lazy Susan, the mailman, etc. "I swear on my best knitting needles that we won't end up in jail tonight."

Wendy shrugged and went back to her magazine. "Good enough for me."

Dipper walked in front of Mabel the entire way, going backwards in order to give a quick final talking-through of the plan. "I don't normally say this non-sarcastically, but be polite. Don't press anybody for bets. This isn't our house, or our rules; we literally have no final say-so here. Mostly, though, we keep it from anybody who hangs with the Northwests. McGucket's been through a lot, and we don't want to give his enemies any more ammo than what they've already got."

" _Relax_ , Dip of the Gnomes." Mabel reassuringly patted his shoulder. "We _all_  love McGucket. Personally, I'd take a bullet for that eccentric hillbilly. I'm certainly not gonna ruin his chances of a peaceful last few years."

The McGucket Mansion had had no exterior changes done to it in the time the old man had owned it. The fence was still in effect, and the gate still had Northwest Manor chiseled into it. Even the bushes were still in their signature N and W shapes, though they had grown mighty scraggly over the years. The interior itself had also largely remained the same, though McGucket had removed all of the stuffed heads and animal rugs, stating that it 'offended the missus.'

Overall, however, the  _feeling_  of the old place had changed, and for the better. No one was barred entry to the mansion, so long as folks didn't vandalize the place, and that invitation even extended to the magical beings of Gravity Falls. Dipper was of the knowledge that Shmebulock had become one of its few permanent residents- he had apparently grown quite disillusioned with Jeff's way of ruling things- and when they entered the main building he could hear something rattling in the vent system which he assumed was the gnome in question. Dipper tucked his gnome amulet into his shirt in hopes that the old boy wouldn't notice.

"Eyyy, you see who I see?" Mabel faux-whispered as they entered the main dance area. She pressed their faces together so he would look the way she was. " _America Guy_. He'd eat this junk up."

"You bet he would!" Dipper pointed at his own quarry. "You get AG, I'll take on Sprott over there."

Sprott, as it turned out, was mighty interested in gambling, and made a decent wager on the Manotaurs winning. He quickly moved on to that guy with the cat tattoo on his hand- dude had a huge love of underdogs, put a small amount on the gnomes and decided not to get his hopes up. Mabel took on Bodacious T and Mayor Tyler, and while he was too far away to judge who bet what, she came back with a decent amount ready.

"This is getting us nowhere," she declared. "We gotta set up a booth or somethin', bro. Let the green come to  _us_."

"We can't." Dipper shook his head. "We don't have McGucket's permission. Besides, that's probably ill-"

"Get my permission fer what?"

Dipper startled so hard he bumped into Mabel, who kept him from falling onto his face. As a teenager, McGucket now only went up to his hip, and it was hard to see him coming. "Jeez, dude. Give a guy a little warning sometime."

McGucket blinked, one eye at a time, with an uncomfortable squelching noise. "Get my permission fer what, Dipper?"

"Oh, jeez..." Dipper rubbed the back of his head in hopes of appealing to the older man's love of anime. "Okay, look. The Manotaurs and the gnomes are havin' a stupid fight, like,  _tomorrow_. Super short notice. And we're hoping to make a buck off of it-"

"You _do_  know who our Grunkle is, right?" Mabel added. "So it's really no shocker."

Dipper cleared his throat. "As such, we were kind of hoping we could... build a small table to collect bets... and maybe kinda-sorta play Gravity Falls like a fiddle for the cash?" He shrugged sheepishly. "I mean, it's not like any of this is exactly new. We're garbage people, the people of garbage."

"I got adopted by a bunch of Manotaurs!"

"That you did, Mabel."

McGucket stared at the duo a moment, gobsmacked. "You know..." he started slowly. "Back before I got my memories back, I actually ate a gnome 'er two."

"I did  _not_  know that, actually."

"Wasn't my proudest moment. Those little ragamuffin rapscallions would get into my hut and steal my banjo to get a rise outta me. Always worked, too." He shrugged. "That's all in the past now, but if there's one thing I've learned to treasure, what with my memories comin' back, is that grudges are real and I'm the best at 'em." McGucket pulled a wad of cash out of his overall pocket, which he promptly shoved into Dipper's chest. "I hope those little buggers get their beards pulled out. Comin' from a man who loves his beard, that's sayin' somethin'."

Dipper awkwardly held his hands out. The money fell onto them, coins streaming out onto the floor. "You sure, dude? We're grifters, not monsters."

"Dipper, if there's one thing I know fer sure, it's that I'm a man of my word," said McGucket firmly. "'Least, that's what I wanna be. Gimme a cut of the booty and we're right as rain."

* * *

The night dragged on. McGucket had secured them a simple fold-out table and money jars, one marked 'Gnomes' and the other marked 'Manotaurs.' The latter read more like 'Manota' from the front, on account of it dragging along the side. Dipper considered the whole thing a success.

"Hey, Dipper?" Mabel poked his shoulder incessantly, leaning her chair at an awkward and rather dangerous angle. "When we said 'no Northwests', what kinda relations were we going with?"

"Uh.. I dunno? Friends and family, I guess. Why?"

Mabel pointed. Dipper just barely caught a glimpse of a lakefoam green dress disappearing out of the room and onto the balcony. "Mabel,  _no_."

She grinned at him deviously. "Mabel yes."

"We  _cannot_  get Pacifica involved. She's literally the daughter of the Northwests. Going by blood relations and legal documents, she _is_  a Northwest."

The chair fell back with a  _plang!_  "I thought we both agreed she was more than that."

Dipper nodded, but otherwise didn't budge. "I'm not saying we shouldn't include her because she's a Northwest. I'm saying we shouldn't include her because she's living  _with_  the Northwests, and there's really nothing we can do about that right now. Getting her involved could get her into a lot of trouble."

" _Fine_ ," she groused, pushing back her seat to stand up. "But I'm still gonna go talk to her. Even if she doesn't know about the betting, she'll want to see the actual fight."

"You do that, Lady Mabes," Dipper half-mumbled, going back to counting cash. "You do that."

Mabel made her way through the crowd with ease, stopping to give Tad Strange a fist bump on the way. There weren't a lot of people here, considering it was a Monday night on a school day, and most of the people who lived in Gravity Falls were notoriously introverted.

Pacifica was alone on the balcony, though that wasn't a big shock. Even now, the girl tended to be avoided by the majority of the town. Mabel checked her breath and ruffled her hair, nodding to herself. She tip-toed out with the grace of an elephant, her flats flip-flopping on the stone. "Heeeey, Pazzy."

"Call me Pazzy again and I'll deck you," Pacifica answered, giving her a quick look over. "I didn't think this kind of thing suited you anymore."

"Well, I'm not twelve anymore, no." Mabel perched her butt on the stone railing, ignoring the butterflies in her belly over how high up she was. "But I still like glitter and rhinestones, so I guess these four years haven't changed me much."

"Oh, I dunno about that." Pacifica twirled a lock of blonde hair around her pointer finger thoughtfully. "I've been hearing the rumors about the two of you, you know. They're not very pretty."

"What kind of rumors?"

"The kind of rumors that could ruin a rep. Duh."

"Oh." Mabel shrugged. "They're probably true, then. By the way, you have  _got_  to let me braid your hair sometime. It's gorgeous."

Pacifica let go of the lock she was holding. "I've been meaning to ask- why'd you hack your's off, anyway? You seemed to really like your hair."

She nodded, patting the fluffy ends, which were curly. "Long hair is gorgeous-  _my_  long hair especially- but it's just not a smart move when most of your life has you running through crowded terrain. Alas, I must get my hair fix through the people around me, from your mane to Dipper's flat and kind of greasy mullet."

"Dipper really needs to cut that thing."

"No kiddin'."

"But the braid he keeps it in is pretty nice. Is that your doing?"

"Eeyup. He does my makeup; I do his hair. Also his nails. He really rocks dark blue nails."

"I always sucked at nails, honestly. I don't know why." Pacifica closed an eye as if to properly aim her pointer finger as she pointed it at Mabel's throat. "Not that it's my business or anything, but I'm pretty sure that's the aro flag."

"I'm shocked so many people recognize it. It's not as popular as the ace one."

"Does that bother you? That people know what it is, or whatever."

Mabel shook her head, tracing one of the lines. "It took me a long time to accept this, y'know? My folks are the 'in it for the kids' type, so I just assumed you  _had_  to force love. Kept lookin' for that right person to force the do with, but I realized it just didn't fit me."

"Thank God for Rumblr, eh?"

"Hell yeah," she agreed. "It would've taken me a hella long time to find a proper title otherwise. Seriously, I've _never_  heard aromantic any-fricking-where else."

"Pride parades," Pacifica offered.

"Never been to one."

"You should go sometime."

"I really should."

Pacifica lightly bumped her shoulder. "So, you gonna tell me what the scam is this time?"

Mabel sent her a mock-offended look. "Can't I ever just come to a party to get drunk and dance?"

"I can see the table from here."

"I mean, I don't have a proper response to that, so I'mma pretend those words were never uttered." Mabel lightly grabbed her wrist. "Dance?"

The blonde woman eyed her hand. "Only if you tell me what's up."

"We're scamming Gravity Falls," she hummed. "Also, there's fighting involved."

Pacifica's face softened. "Oh, that. Just a regular weekday for you dweebs, then, huh?"

"Pretty much."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is the time for action! It's also the ending. =)
> 
> -Mandaree1


	5. Chapter 5

While most of the scenery around Gravity Falls is woodland, there exists a few flatter areas, where the grass sprawls out unhindered and dandelions grow unchecked. The destruction of land during the creation of Northwest Manor was very much permanent, even after the mudslides finally ceased. It was in such a setting that the gnomes and Manotaurs had decided to gather, agreeing to meet in the very middle. Overseeing the whole ordeal was Wendy, perched in one of the few trees nearby. Dipper was grateful for her presence; it's always a good idea to have someone willing to drive to the hospital when one goes out picking fights.

The gnomes were preparing for war only a few feet away from him, sharpening twigs and putting dirt on their faces. Dipper noticed one jabbing two of the makeshift spears into his jaw as a means of making fangs. They chittered back and forth to each other, hugging and patting backs. It was decidedly somber for the small monsters.

Across the way and up the hill, just out of sight, the Manotaurs were chanting- and, honestly? Took the whole deep vibe out of it. "LEADERAUR! LEADERAUR! TAKE US TO GLORY, TAKE US TO FAME, TAKE US THE TRUE MANLY WAY!"

Over the horizon, Dipper could just barely make out Mabel's voice. "Y'know what, fellas? We're starting to sound like cheerleaders. Which isn't a  _bad_  thing- cheerleaders are hella buff- but I dunno if that's what we're going for, ya' dig?"

Leaderaur ignored her suggestion, pointing his bone-spear into the distance. "CHANT YOUR NAMES, BRETHREN! And, uh... sister-ren?" He shook his confusion away, reclaiming his former yelling glory. "LET THE ENEMY KNOW THE NAMES THEY SHALL CRY IN THEIR NIGHTMARES!"

They all punched the air, chanting, although the smallest of them looked rather deadpan about it. "CHUTZPAR! TESTOSTERAUR! PUBERTAUR! PITUITAR! BEARDY! CLARK! MABEL!"

"I'm good enough to be in your silly little man-chant? Aw, shucks."

Jeff's waving arms brought Dipper away from the Manotaur war-ramping as he motioned for all of the gnomes to gather around him. He crouched down to show he was listening to his fullest ability. "Alright, everybody. I'mma be real; this ain't lookin' good. I'm willing to bet that most of us won't be going home tonight."

"Jeff," Dipper said incredulously, "we're just having a fistfight, man."

"Have you  _looked_  at their fists, boy?" he snapped, pointing an accusing finger his way. "Gnomes weren't built to withstand such force!"

A hand rose from the back. "Can I stay home today, sir? I already got putt-putted by the Pines girl."

"SHUT IT, GREMLIN!" Jeff roared. He took a second to collect himself before continuing. "Look. We're gonna die. But we're gonna die like gnomes  _should_ \- scuttling about in a desperate search for hiding spots. Now, let's all run at them with a terrified scream. If we look convincing enough, they might think it's a war cry!"

"This is the stupidest thing I've ever participated in in my life," the only human sighed as he stood, stretching his sore legs out. "And I once got into a bar fight."

"Ditto." Jeff snapped his fingers- for no reason other than to snap them, apparently. "Also, some of the things you tell me concern me, Pines."

" _Some_  of them?"

"We usually only talk business, kid."

"Okay, fair enough."

The gnomes formed a line, Dipper hanging off to the side with some of his Grunkle's knuckle dusters. He preferred his golf club, usually, but the Manotaurs would bend it like a twig, and there was no point in wasting a good golf club. Jeff took a few steps forward. "We're ready over here!"

Leaderaur seemed amused by the semblance of nicety, laughing darkly. "PREPARE TO FACE YOUR DEMISE, SMALL BEARDED MEN! ATTACK!"

"I regret everything," Dipper said.

"CHARGE!" Jeff called, trying- and failing- to sound as impressive as the larger monsters. The small group let out a shriek and began to charge up the hill. Dipper jogged alongside, wondering if he should just duck around or chance it and punch Beardy is his stupid smug face.

The Manotaurs, of course, were making far better time then they were. Mabel had to sprint to keep up with them. For a woman Dipper personally knew to fear, she did come across as rather puny amongst her 'brothers'. (If they were her brethren now or whatever, did that make Dipper their step-sibling? He certainly hoped it didn't.)

"STOP!"

They came to a halt mere inches from each other, both jarred by the sudden voice. Dipper skidded on the grass and got the pleasure of testing the texture of the grass with his face, while Mabel almost squished multiple gnomes- something they all knew she wouldn't exactly regret- but was saved by Pituitaur grabbing her bat.

Out of the shrubs came Candy, sitting authoritatively on a throne made of smooth wood, drawn by a seat of squirrels. Her nails were long and glittered to show she meant business. The Manotaurs immediately began to mutter about themselves, unsure whether they should heed her commands, while the gnomes bowed.

"Your Majesty!" Jeff exclaimed. "We, uh- I thought you said you didn't want to come."

Candy ignored him entirely as she slipped off the throne, snapping her fingers for the squirrels to disperse. She stomped over the field, up the hill, and to the Manotaurs to grab her friend by the ear. "We talked about this, Mabel."

Mabel let out a hissed breath of pain. "We talked about fires and being royalty and pancakes. We didn't say anything about bashing your lovers in with a baseball bat."

The queen massaged the bridge of her nose, turning to Leaderaur. "These two are always thinking up some scheme. We don't need to fight. After all, do we really have to prove ourselves to anyone _but_  ourselves?"

"Uh..." the Manotaur seemed shocked by the idea. "But we didn't prove ourselves yet."

"Yeah!" Clark added. "We still don't know which is better!"

"We are!" Jeff boasted, waving a stick at them. "We're fighting in the name of our lovely queen!"

"Well,  _we're_  fighting for manliness!" Chutzpar returned. "That's pretty noble too, bro!"

"Jeff," Candy sighed. "You don't need to fight for me. I can handle my own duels."

"Oh, yeah, definitely." He nodded. "Your finger forks of justice? Top notch, m'lady."

Leaderaur cleared his throat, bending his head down so they could speak properly. There was a level of respect between the two leaders, enough so that he didn't shout. "Miss Candy. You must understand. Your people have offended mine. We will not return home without blood."

"Blood! Blood! Blood!" the other Manotaurs chanted, Mabel included, her ear still in Candy's fingers.

Candy sent her a dirty look, but then a slow smile broke across her face. She pushed Mabel forward. "Then let's have a one-on-one duel.  _Your_  new champion against  _my_  mage."

Dipper gaped at her. "Candy, what the fudge. I'm not beating up my sister. Not for this, anyway."

Mabel put her hand on her hips. "I'd trade Dip-Dop over here to the devil for a corn chip. We all know that. But this isn't even corn chip territory."

" _Thanks,_  Mabel."

"Love you, bro."

"Hmmm..." Leaderaur tapped his chin. "I don't see why not. SET THE STAGE!"

Candy pointed at two gnomes, ignoring the complaints the two fighters were giving off. "Draw a circle in the dirt."

"Whelp," Dipper sighed, reluctantly pulling off and tossing his knuckle dusters. "This fight just got  _way_  less interesting."

"I think it's supposed to be irony. Or, like, a lesson." Mabel shrugged, chucking the baseball bat off to the side. She cupped a hand over her mouth. "Hey, Wendy! Check the polls for us, okay? If we gotta fight, we might as well make the most money we can out of it."

From the tree, Wendy gave a thumbs up and pulled out her phone.

"Boo!" Pubertaur yelled. "Fight already!"

"Kick his teeth in, Lady Mabes!" Testosteraur added.

Dipper and Mabel exchanged a look and ever-so-slowly sat down, crisscross apple sauce, to the loud disagreement of both sides. Mabel twisted her head around to shout: "We'll fight when we can cheat like real people! We're not  _animals_ , dudes."

"So," Dipper started. "How's it going?"

"Good, good. Got my murder on for nothing, but otherwise good." Mabel tapped her fingers on her knee. "I feel like we're letting El-ahrairah and Rabscuttle down right now."

The boy blew a raspberry. "Let's not kid ourselves. We'll never be on their level. And who would be who, anyway?"

"I like fighting," she answered slowly, looking thoughtful, "so I guess I'd be Rabscuttle."

"NONE OF WHAT YOU'RE SAYING MAKES SENSE!"

"We're talking about rabbit legends. It makes perfect sense."

"THAT MAKES EVEN _LESS_  SENSE."

Wendy had been forced to climb a good ways up the tree to get cell service, but eventually a signal came to her. Her voice came to their ears at almost a whisper. "The poll is still basically unanimous, yo. Townsfolk wanna see some gnomes get  _beat_."

"Damnit."

Mabel laughed and got to her feet with a grunt. "Alright, fair is fair. I can't beat yo butt without you getting in a  _single_  punch. You hit me, and then I'll go off. Sound good?"

"You're making this far more complicated than it has to be, Mabel."

"Dipper, I dunno if you've noticed, but we've spent the past week greasing the wheels of war for  _money_. 'Far more complicated than it has to be' describes basically everything we've done so far."

"Touche."

The Manotaurs let out a cheer as the Pines teens squared up. Dipper, never one to start a fight, always the one to finish it, took a running start and pushed her, sending her sprawling in the dirt, almost brushing the edge of their little dirt circle.

"Really, Dipper?" she says, eyebrow raised. " _Really_?"

He shrugs, hopping from foot to foot. "I've never said I moved past middle school playground rules,  _Maple._ "

That little comment got him clocked in the jaw. Dipper stumbles like a drunken sailor, trying and failing to keep his balance, but before he can go up or down Mabel gets him in the gut too, and he falls.

"Dangit, boy!" Jeff cries. "Get up! Fight back!"

Dipper patted the ground. "I'm good, ya'll. Prefer it if I got out with a coupla my teeth intact."

"This is officially the lamest fight I've ever been in," Mabel told them all, wiping her knuckles on her shorts.

"Ditto."

The Manotaurs seemed to disagree, rumbling up on all sides. Leaderaur tapped her head with his spear. "LADY MABES HAS PROVEN HERSELF TO BE A TRUE MANOTAUR IN SPIRIT! AS SUCH, I MAKE HER ONE OF US FOR ALL TIME!"

"Oh no."

"SHE CAN NEVER TRULY LEAVE US, FOR WE ARE IN HER BLOOD."

"I've made a horrible mistake."

Jeff seemed far less enthusiastic as he kicked Dipper in the ankle, face red. "Nice going, Pines! You've made us the laughingstock of the forest! Honestly, I don't even know why I pay you!"

"You did that to yourselves," he wheezed.

Mabel was tossed into the air in celebration, falling back down to Earth with her arms crossed. "I hate all of you."

"A PARTY IS IN ORDER!" Leaderaur declared, turning to the fallen gnomes. "IT IS IN OUR LAWS THAT WE INVITE THE CONQUERED TO OUR SWEET DIGS TO BRAG. CARE TO JOIN US, MISS CANDY?"

"We'd love to," Candy answered politely. "The citizens of my kingdom know how to accept our defeats with dignity."

"Is that one cryin'?" Clark asked, pointing to Gregory the Gremlin, sobbing into the arms of another gnome.

"We're a very emotional people."

"I'm in great pain," Dipper butted in. "Can I get some Advil or something?"

" _After_  the party." Candy nudged his side. "Come on, loser. Let's get something to eat."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally finished the story! About time. =) I imagine Leaderaur is actually pretty intimidated by Candy- hence calling her miss- but he's too manlyTM to admit it. Candy is fully aware of this.
> 
> -Mandaree1

**Author's Note:**

> Been awhile since I wrote some delinquents, hey! It's only gonna be maybe five chapters long. Basically shenanigans with the folks of Gravity Falls.
> 
> Mason is canon, but Stanley is just something I added on, 'cause I really like the idea of Dipper getting named after his supposedly dead uncle.


End file.
